This morning I stood in chapel with many people who love the Lord. We were singing a beautiful song that everyone knew very well and things were great. Then we sang a line that made me want to curl up in a ball and hide from all of the people who would ever recognize me if they saw me in heaven.
"And we, the redeemed, shall be strong,
In purpose and unity;"
These were the words. Not so bad when you read them. They are so good and filled with truth. But when I sang them as if I believed them, I almost felt the Lord look at me with eyes that left me knowing one thing: I don't know what am talking about.
As I sang this verse, I quickly realized that within the ten minutes I had been in this room that was full of Christians, I had judged each and every one, harshly. I had done all I could to separate myself from them- even the ones I know and deeply love as family. I had destroyed them without even giving them a chance. They had no chance and I murdered them all.
I've been wrestling with my hypocrisy all day long and have been furious with myself. I constantly work to rebel against my father, leaving nothing but broken lives behind me. This event was seemingly out of my control. It wasn't like when I slip up and look at a girl the wrong way, that's, (to a certain extent), something I can fight. But the very nature of my heart! How can I fight such a monster?! It was like a violent flood from underground compared to the sprinkling rain of my lust. I would have lost even if it had occurred to me that fighting it was a possibility.
I can't fight my sinful heart. Well, I guess I can, but I will always lose. Christ fights my sin ,when I let Him, and He always wins. If this wasn't true, His whole shebang would have been a complete waste of life, wood, and nails.
What I am realizing is that a heart issue is a heart issue. For me to use my mouth and brain to inhale and exhale truth is great, but incredibly limited and the intimacy is severely stunted. I have been living this stuff out and seeing true growth and life, but my heart is still corrupt- So corrupt that as my mind and lips testify to the truth, it perfectly retaliates with a much stronger blow. The movements of the heart are far superior to those of any other part of this human. If this weren't true, then being adulterous for looking at a woman lustfully would sound like a joke. It is a joke to those of us who don't give our hearts to the Lord.
We must give it to Him. All of it. I have "given Him all of it," with my mouth and my mind, but my heart has not stopped to listen. My mind and lips have spoken, but it is not until my heart can listen to the words of The God, that it will truly speak.
My heart is not changed by asking for it. It is changed by listening to Him. He speaks perfect words to it and it must begin to let them seep deep into the cracks before any life is lived. His truth is like a seed that must be planted beneath the surface before it could ever grow into something relevant to anyone or thing above the ground.
The truth that He has been speaking to me is the best news ever thought. I am set free from this. I have life when I let Him.
My heart is like an instrument and my mind is mere sheet music. You can write notes on a page all day long, but it's nothing until the musician picks up an instrument. The best musicians don't even use the sheet music anyway, and society thinks they're jazz music is crazy until they finally realize that John Coltrane was a genius!
The musician is waiting very, very patiently.
He's not patient because the issue is not urgent in his eyes. He is patient because He knows music is in the space between the notes more than in the notes themselves. He is patient because He knows very well that redemption is worth every, single moment, breath, word, and life it takes.
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