Little black fingers

Something that is really refreshing about truth is that each and every time we meet, it's as if we had never met before.

Tonight was monumental for me. My brother, Desean, was sitting in my lap and it took everything I had to cowboy up and not cry. He is about two, talking, but not with words yet. He is one of the most joyful human beings I know and I'm completely in love with him. We played for about forty minutes, but what moved me took about five seconds. He was putting his tiny fingers in my ring and playing with my bracelets when he opened his hand completely and grabbed onto my pointer finger. Time stood still as I studied all of the tiny joints and bones that gripped mine. His black hand squeezed my white finger like mine had done to many when I was his age. I felt the biological sameness and saw it more clearer than ever. Our hearts were completely connected and I lost it. My heart got hot and I felt water rush into position in my tear ducts. The intimacy was worth dying for.

There's no way I could put this experience into words. I'm trying, but as I reread this I see that it's just words. I know you know that we are equal. That's not what this is about. Equality has absolutely nothing to do with this. It used to, but now it can't. This isn't a "Well God loves them too." kind of issue. In the kingdom we are past that. We are not separate and equal, we are one and loved.

I will be completely honest and tell you that I don't believe in my self enough. My confidence as a songwriter is about as low as it could be. I throw away my poetry.(That rhymed) But I need to post this poem. I'm not seeking anything from you- finally, I'm free from that! This poem is from my heart. No matter how basic, how bad, how cheesy, how whatever it is, this is what it is and I'm satisfied. This paragraph is more for me than you, unless you can relate. If you can, just be who you freaking are. If your anything but that and accepted, wake up, it's not even you they are accepting. I'd rather be me and persecuted than fake and fit in. That's enough. The message of this poem is the one we need to hear.


Little Black Fingers

Little black fingers wrap around mine
gripping tight, like a desperate vine
Little wet eyes innocent shine
Look strait past mine.

Through my mind, into my heart
past the places that have fallen apart
past all of the muck, all the grime
all this racist bullshit built up over time.

Whoa to my ignorant past
when self preservation was my only task
my life set to wither and burn like a field of grass
now my brother is first, I'm last.

This boy has found with his youth
this thing in my heart, this undeniable truth
deep inside he had to dive
to find this light I can no longer hide.

Our fingers one, like our soul and mind
the supernatural bond defying all space and time
all my life I'll leave behind
to hold this boy, just one more time.

A man is a man, a boy a boy.
A breath is a breath, life yields joy.
A mind is a mind, a heart a heart.
We can no longer be split apart!
These walls are GONE! Can't you see?!
His heart is with mine, his heart is part of me.
This boy is my brother, quite literally.

We're the resurrected body, this I believe.

Open your eyes.

I can give nothing that I have not first received.
It is in prayer that we receive what the Lord has to give us. He has everything to give us, even Himself. If we receive His Spirit, which we have if we claim to be a Christ follower, we have the very presence of the God who created all things living within us. This truth leaves very little room for limits of any sort.

In receiving, we are enabling ourselves to give. In giving, we are enabling ourselves and others to know what love is. Through Christ and through Him alone I am able to love. I am able to give my life to other people, that He would be known.

When we lay hands on each other in prayer, is it different than when we don't? If not, then why do we do it? I am learning that when one lays hands on me, if I choose to receive what the Lord is giving me through them, I will receive. I think that's one reason that Jesus always says, "Your faith has healed you..." For how could one be healed if they weren't willing to be?

Faith for me is the trust that enables me to fully open myself, to be completely willing to change, and it is completely dependent on and rooted in the truth that there is no threat and no condemnation, no limit of power, nothing but grace, love and mercy that this God is offering.

Without this trust, I can not fully open up. If I can't fully open up, I can not receive.
When I pray, I should have a heart who is open to receive what the Lord has to give me. It is much like Eyes. When they are open, they are able to receive the light that is shining in our world. It is this reception that enables our brain to recreate and make sense of the world around us.

If we open the eyes of our hearts, we are positioning our hearts for reception of the light. Jesus Christ is this light and it is only through Him that we are able to see what is true.

Seeing and receiving are one in the same.

Let us pray with an intent to receive that is rooted in our trust that what He has to give is worth the risk of being open and vulnerable. He has given us no reason to doubt that He is good. Not one. If you have one, please let me know so I can ask Him about it. I find that when I think He's doing bad to me, I am actually just looking at His work with my eyes closed. (Everyone remembers the slimy spaghetti noodles in a box at halloween time that were labeled "Brains." Of course they are brains when you can't see them!)

Prayer and receiving is seeing. Seeing the Lord work, and yes, I mean healing by touch and all that stuff, is living. Let us live.

Let us let Him open our eyes to see His love working.

Music comes from a musician, not a piece of paper.

This morning I stood in chapel with many people who love the Lord. We were singing a beautiful song that everyone knew very well and things were great. Then we sang a line that made me want to curl up in a ball and hide from all of the people who would ever recognize me if they saw me in heaven.

"And we, the redeemed, shall be strong,
In purpose and unity;"

These were the words. Not so bad when you read them. They are so good and filled with truth. But when I sang them as if I believed them, I almost felt the Lord look at me with eyes that left me knowing one thing: I don't know what am talking about.

As I sang this verse, I quickly realized that within the ten minutes I had been in this room that was full of Christians, I had judged each and every one, harshly. I had done all I could to separate myself from them- even the ones I know and deeply love as family. I had destroyed them without even giving them a chance. They had no chance and I murdered them all.

I've been wrestling with my hypocrisy all day long and have been furious with myself. I constantly work to rebel against my father, leaving nothing but broken lives behind me. This event was seemingly out of my control. It wasn't like when I slip up and look at a girl the wrong way, that's, (to a certain extent), something I can fight. But the very nature of my heart! How can I fight such a monster?! It was like a violent flood from underground compared to the sprinkling rain of my lust. I would have lost even if it had occurred to me that fighting it was a possibility.

I can't fight my sinful heart. Well, I guess I can, but I will always lose. Christ fights my sin ,when I let Him, and He always wins. If this wasn't true, His whole shebang would have been a complete waste of life, wood, and nails.

What I am realizing is that a heart issue is a heart issue. For me to use my mouth and brain to inhale and exhale truth is great, but incredibly limited and the intimacy is severely stunted. I have been living this stuff out and seeing true growth and life, but my heart is still corrupt- So corrupt that as my mind and lips testify to the truth, it perfectly retaliates with a much stronger blow. The movements of the heart are far superior to those of any other part of this human. If this weren't true, then being adulterous for looking at a woman lustfully would sound like a joke. It is a joke to those of us who don't give our hearts to the Lord.

We must give it to Him. All of it. I have "given Him all of it," with my mouth and my mind, but my heart has not stopped to listen. My mind and lips have spoken, but it is not until my heart can listen to the words of The God, that it will truly speak.

My heart is not changed by asking for it. It is changed by listening to Him. He speaks perfect words to it and it must begin to let them seep deep into the cracks before any life is lived. His truth is like a seed that must be planted beneath the surface before it could ever grow into something relevant to anyone or thing above the ground.

The truth that He has been speaking to me is the best news ever thought. I am set free from this. I have life when I let Him.

My heart is like an instrument and my mind is mere sheet music. You can write notes on a page all day long, but it's nothing until the musician picks up an instrument. The best musicians don't even use the sheet music anyway, and society thinks they're jazz music is crazy until they finally realize that John Coltrane was a genius!

The musician is waiting very, very patiently.
He's not patient because the issue is not urgent in his eyes. He is patient because He knows music is in the space between the notes more than in the notes themselves. He is patient because He knows very well that redemption is worth every, single moment, breath, word, and life it takes.

Stop.

After you read this, stop.
Don't go back to facebook or anything else.
Find a small place and sit. Alone.
Be quiet and let the silence make you uncomfortable.
Let the silence draw your worries from your heart and mind. Let the silence facilitate your iniquity like water does a drop of red dye.
Let yourself be exposed and quiet for just one minute.

Find the Lord in silence. Be real with yourself and be real with Him and let Him be real with you.

We have forgotten that water is not a product of a water bottle, cup, spigot, etc. Let's enjoy the water at the source.

Be still and know that He is God.(Psalm 46.10)

Ughhh...

Watch this video before you read any more.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2010/07/29/ricks.burn.koran.cnn?iref=allsearch

I could go on and on about the things that bother me in this video, but I will choose to abstain. Most of my rant would do more damage than good, so I will touch on one thing, as it seems to be a hill for me to die on.

We as Christians are not here to "rid the world of evil." We are not here to hate people who we think are wrong and we are not here to fight people who appear to not like us. (When we do things like this on or off TV , I don't think anyone likes us.)


We are here to love the world, not to condemn it.


The world sees this preacher and thinks that we are all just like him as this preacher sees a few activists and thinks a whole religion is like them. If there's a place in Christ's message that says to burn the other guys' book because it's wrong and ours isn't, please point it out. If there's a place that says to love those who don't think like us, or "enemies," please point it out. I know that the latter shows up often enough that it makes me uncomfortable.

What are we supposed to be doing?

Sometimes when everyone is running in the same direction, a few should stop and look around to see where they are. People move in packs and it's good for the leaders to be looking at the terrain.

I've been watching church people and the rest of the world quite closely. The two groups look very similar and it concerns me. The church has begun to persecute the world, when Christ said the other would be true.

We have let church become about moral code. It is very focussed on following rules and this is not an inviting way to be. We have gotten very good at building walls between ourselves and the world that do nothing but exclude them from our lives. We have decided that they are bad, and therefore must be kept away from us. It only makes sence that we act the way we do, for the culture in which we live has taught us to be this way. We are more influenced by the world we are trying to push away than we are by the love we should be pursuing.

As a culture, we run away from things instead of to them. What I mean is that when we realize that fast food makes us fat, instead of stopping with the fast food, we paint the signs green and change the names of the crap we like to eat. Instead of solving a problem, we mask it. We should instead learn to eat well. The pursuit of a solution not only defeats the enemy of the situation, but brings us into the shelter of the solution.

Instead of running away from the darkness, we should run to the light. If we run to light, darkness will be lost. But if we run from darkness, we will have our eyes behind us and therefore will never find the light. We usually just run in circles if we have no light to look at. When we are caught in rain, we spend very little time running from the rain. We spend all of our time running to a place of cover(Hmm... There's an idea). Luckily, the cover has run to us.

For us to make it about the rules we do or do not follow is for us to take the control into our own hands. Yes, rules are good, but good Lord, so are parents if they do their job right! But look at the damage of bad parenting! We have made Christianity all about being right instead of about knowing Christ. We have made it about converting the world to our system and when they don't conform, we work to prove that they should be killed or at least persecuted and ridiculed. This is not what Christ was like! He spent very little time with the people who had all the rules down.(Pharisees)

When we make our lives about what rules we do or don't follow, we teach ourselves to seek life in our own efforts. This mocks the life that Christ offers us. It is not about what we can do, but about what HE has done and is doing. What if God was actually viewed as infinite? What if we actually acted like we were never going to be able to comprehend Him? I think it'd be easier to let go of ourselves and grab onto Him.

When we come before the throne and are humble because of how great HE is, instead of because it's what we are supposed to do, we will grow. When we can realize that we are not great and that it is literally impossible to achieve true, life by way of our own efforts, we will grow. When we see that life is a gift and not a paycheck, we will grow.

Life is given to those who follow Jesus Christ. It only makes since that this would be true because HE is headed to a place that only HE knows how to get to. If you're with Him, you'll end up there, if not, I hope you find light in your dark circles.

When you realize that your life is not about what you do, but about who you belong to, you will find yourself in such a state of pure joy that can only be found in eternal liberation, that human walls will be forgotten. You will find that what you do is no longer what you are. While it is true that I am a white, American, college kid who plays guitar, these are mere pebbles to the planet of my identity as God's child. We must find ourselves and each other in Him before anything else. For us to define ourselves or others by any other thing is for us to make a pebble into a planet.

He has offered it to all of us, separating Himself from no one, even when I work to separate myself from Him. I am called to do the same.

I am a child of God by His grace and mercy, not by my own efforts or understanding. I believe that it is the same for you. If you disagree, prove it.

Let's love everyone as if we believed that HE does.

Erosion.

I've been to dry places that have lines that show that water has been there before.
I've sat in a seat that had dents in it that perfectly fit the butt of the person who used it for many years before me.
My brother's slip ons that are just like my slip ons, don't fit my feet; they are shaped to his.
There are people who smile so often and so genuinely that when they're not smiling, they have cracks by their eyes that tell you, "smiles happen here often."
One of my mentors worships so often that his body has tuned into a temple where lots of worship clearly happens. His eyes look like they spend a lot of time seeking. His voice sounds like it spends a lot of time thanking. His back looks like it spends a lot of time bowing. His mind thinks like it spends a lot of time receiving. His heart beats like it is an instrument. His arms look like they spend a lot of time in the air.

We will become worshipping beings when we worship so much that it becomes who we are, even when it's who we're not.
We are Christ's.
Do we look like it yet?

If the river in the grand canyon went away, we'd still clearly see that it single handedly created the canyon itself. The coolest part is that the river who is carving me will never, ever, dry up. That's the nature of living water. It erodes the flesh of the earth to create an absence of earthly matter that is, in itself, the object of beauty and the living proof of the true and responsible, living organism.